Wednesday, April 27, 2005
hey..
u know i had the weirdest sensation when i woke up today. i felt sad.. yet elated at the same time.. why? cos of a dream i had. it involved me and one of my exs. it was so weird cos i felt the same way i feel now.. indifference to him and only friendship. but then he wrote me a letter telling me he still loves me. and i was so touched. he gave me the letter cos he had to sail off somewhere.i know he wrote in brown ink.. it was all over the place..
i dunno.. as i was saying.. i felt touched that he still loves me all this while and well i felt bad i dint get to say something before he left..
thats mosty what i remember now.. but i still remember how i felt when i woke up.. i felt elated that i was loved.. then sad cos its just a dream and he definitely does not in real life. but its so weird that i would think of him.. worse still once when i was praying.. in the middle of it.. i suddenly thought of him. it felt strange. i stopped thinking abt him years ago.. and why now suddenly? i really wonder..
he has moved on and so have i. i know i have moved on. am i that lonely? that i crave to have that sort of companionship now? i dunno.. i used to be happy. but after a taste of love(lust).. i dunno if i can ever feel happy being on my own. it downright stinks. do i really have to change myself to get what i crave? or will there really be someone out there who likes me the way i am; so out of the societal mould?? oh well.. i guess i will have to wait and see.
good day
Bob Smurf at 3:28 PM
Thursday, April 21, 2005
sigh... am listening to 'once upon a dream' from disney's sleeping beauty. one of my all time fav movies of course.
u know they say disney's version is damn warped cos the girl always gets the guy.. no sweat? well i dont really care.. i think when ure young u need to know something happy MIGHT happen.. cos when we grow up all we ever know is cynicism right?
i mean heck.. i know fairytales dont ever come true so im not complaining. cos i had my fair share of fairy tales and prince charmings in my dreams and in my imagination.. trust me.. all i ever did when i was little was dream .. hahah
oh well.
anyway i met this lovely woman by the name of margarita last tuesday and i met her again today. cos we've been going for basic theory lessons. and i found she's a lovely woman.. err think ive mentined that. but i had some time to talk to her just now and she showed me her twin boys pics.. their names are soo nice!!! the elder one is called dylan and the younger one named kieran. i love te names!! dont u?
they look so chubby!! she's eurasian and her hubby is norweigian. so definitely cute babies right?? haha but not the point.. she told me she worked at cnbc before and i was like REALLY?? what was it like? she said it was fun.. she gt to meet celebs and do really fun stuff.. i do so hope i can get where she was.. cnbc.. wow.. or cnn.. wow... hahah oh well.. dream big girl.. dream big.
good night
Bob Smurf at 9:28 PM
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
what can i say. im bored. -again-
today i was actually planning to go to beach by myself cos well i dunno.. thought the beach would be so cool.. especially all by my lonesome. but nah.. i was awakened by val from a primary school i usually relief. she sounded so desperate i couldnt say no.. she said cos so many people couldnt do last minute relief.. so hey.. here i am..i figured.. the money wont be a total waste..
but u know.. today was like the longest day ever! had 4 english lessons, 2 PE lessons and 2 maths lessons.. with only 1 break at 430 to have my meal..i was soooo hungry.. damn.. mind u my pe lessons were before this break. i so wasnt dressed for pe.. i wore black pants and a tank with a cardi over.. so not pe type clothes..
i realize i cannot be a teacher.. well i dunno why but im just horrible around kids.. u know after the teachers scold the students they go.. aiyah.. so cute la.. but for me.. once i scold them means i really am very irritated type.. dont find anything cute at all!
anyway.. yesterday he talked to me.. the guy who broke my heart recently.. hahah yeah well i figured that the LONG time he was quiet was probably the time he needed me to cool off.. which is true.. i am over him.. i mean i realized i am not so hung up on him anymore..
and talking to him yesterday was like.. well old times.. way before i even had feelings for him.. that kinda thing. i know im weird but hey.. its me.i know things can never be the same between us.. but i dunno.. dotn think i want things to be the same.. i think i should grow up a bit and realize that there are other things in life than a relationship.. that there are other guys.. and that there are so many other opportunities for me.. like he said.
yeah i suppose.. but a boyfriend to walk or cycle by the beach with wouldnt be so bad either huh? haha....
any takers? ;)
Bob Smurf at 10:03 PM
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
what i think
hey..
ok well im jus bored at this moment in time. nothing actually philosophical to rake my brain with.but hey u know sometimes i really wonder whether other people would be comfortable as going out and eating alone as i am.. does this mean im a loner? many think im this cheery person but hmm.. i dunno i dont see it. i feel rotten and sad inside.. like u know.. some screwed up piece of wire.. i think maybe we all started out a fresh new piece of wire then as time passes and every moment of ure life is documented by the twists and turns and knots in the wire. eventually the outcome can be one of two ways.. A) u can turn out to be a work of art or B) u just end up broken cos uve had one too many turns... get what i mean?
well maybe there are other myriad manners in which we may turn out. i mean like the whole starting fresh. i mean its like throwing away the old wire and taking a new one.. but i think it will never be entirely new.. it would probably have a little knot at one end to remind us of the past.
no one really escapes the past. it really catches up on u. to me yeah well i did some pretty crummy things that i am truly ashamed of. some know.. some dont. its ok.. we all make mistakes right? how many of u can claim to be perfect? huh? u think u saints or something? i feel that im trying to be someone im not.. no matter how much i try.. i cant help but be drawn into this pressure i feel. the need to be thin.. the need to be beautiful..the need to have a boyfriend.. the need to be smart.. the list goes on and on.. u know what i mean right? one thing leads to another. why is it that looks count so much in this life?
looks.. sheesh. its great if u are born into this world looking like a million bucks. and yeah if u have the million bucks to change the way u look. i wasnt and am not able to. so im stuck in this body.. dont get me wrong. i love myself. but at time i just cant over the fact that i can be better.. thinner? oh well.. enough lamenting about me.. anyway i have this friend who is pretty.. great bod and stuff.. naturally guys are drawn to her like flies to a carcass..but hey.. my 2 friends got used by her.. oh well.. see how the testosterone can get u in trouble? haha but well i pity them for being so vulnerable cos of her.. i know exactly what they went through.. i have been through it.. one too many times.. it hurts.. made me feel like going les again but hey.. im happy on the fence
anyway.. a few days ago.. my two (good) friends msged me and told me that they were out with this guy ive been eyeing for some time.. they know about it.. ive talked to them about it.. and yet i ditn get why they would not include me in their outing.. it hurt.. cos i did ever ask one of them to get his number for me.. but she never replied.. she works at this place that he always frequents. i dotn think they know my bloggy but if they do.. i just wanna say.. shame on u.. guys come and go.. why must they come between friends like us? i do so hope u are not threatened by the fact that i did pretty ok for my a's.. cos thats not what friends are like.. u should have been happy for me.. but no.. u chose to avoid me.. fine.. im ok with that.. just dont get me involved anymore in ure petty quarrels. i love u guys.. but dont treat me this way. we've known each other too long for this to happen.. im sorry u feel that way.
this is really long.. i dont expect anybody to read this but hey if u did.. hmm.. well thanx.. its not everyday people get to see whats on my mind.. like some story from hans christensen.. the princess beheaded any courtier or prince asking for her hand, that couldnt guess whats on her mind. well im no princess.. and im certainly open to what i feel or say..i love strongly.. i hurt strongly.. and i get pissed all the time.. but hey.. everybody is like that.. im gonna name it the 'pissy hissy happy' syndrome.. remember.. u read it here first.. hahah what a weirdo..
good night
Bob Smurf at 10:53 PM
Friday, April 15, 2005
hey bloggy..
first of all.. i must apologise for neglecting u.. but hey laziness stems from something right?
hahah ok quick update.. about my life so far from the last time i updated.. i think i dunno i havent checked.. hmm so if there is any repetition.. pardonnouz moi..
(wrong spelling la but who cares hahahha)ok here goes:
1)as far as i can rmbr.. i pierced my nose.. yeah its a new addition to my total piercings.. so now altogether there is 10 on me.. hahah yeah i know this disgusts some of you.. oh well heck .. my body not ures.
2)hmm.. boyfriend situation? no boyfriend.. why? well cos this guy that i was really hitting it ff with decided we were better off as friends.. what the heck.. he's afraid of commitment.. and yeah i get it.. so dont have to be such a jerk about it right nas? haha oh well.. just friends my butt..
3) umm.. old news to some.. but i got an average pass for my a levels.. a BBD.. yeah i am proud of it.. cos i technically i got the best score for a's in the whole family.. ahha sad right? but oh well.. hoping i can get into uni..hoping i can get into NUS FASS.. hope to do euro studies.. eng lit and sociology.. pray for me ok? i am 1 out of the other 19 000 applicants.. sheesh
4) i still like joel madden and good charlotte.. but hey i realized i like the whole punk theme/ genre.. even the eyeliner bit..hahah muackz love ya joel..
5)umm.. well i dunno what else to say.. umm.. im working out at california fitness?? yeah gotta do something to lose the babatz.. ahhaah ok well.. tahts it.. and of course..t eh cute trainers.. ahhaha
ok well thats a quick update.. for more details please do not hesitate to call or msg me.. or.. if not... prepare to be surprised.. ehhehe
love ya
Bob Smurf at 11:28 PM