Tuesday, April 19, 2005
what i think
hey..
ok well im jus bored at this moment in time. nothing actually philosophical to rake my brain with.but hey u know sometimes i really wonder whether other people would be comfortable as going out and eating alone as i am.. does this mean im a loner? many think im this cheery person but hmm.. i dunno i dont see it. i feel rotten and sad inside.. like u know.. some screwed up piece of wire.. i think maybe we all started out a fresh new piece of wire then as time passes and every moment of ure life is documented by the twists and turns and knots in the wire. eventually the outcome can be one of two ways.. A) u can turn out to be a work of art or B) u just end up broken cos uve had one too many turns... get what i mean?
well maybe there are other myriad manners in which we may turn out. i mean like the whole starting fresh. i mean its like throwing away the old wire and taking a new one.. but i think it will never be entirely new.. it would probably have a little knot at one end to remind us of the past.
no one really escapes the past. it really catches up on u. to me yeah well i did some pretty crummy things that i am truly ashamed of. some know.. some dont. its ok.. we all make mistakes right? how many of u can claim to be perfect? huh? u think u saints or something? i feel that im trying to be someone im not.. no matter how much i try.. i cant help but be drawn into this pressure i feel. the need to be thin.. the need to be beautiful..the need to have a boyfriend.. the need to be smart.. the list goes on and on.. u know what i mean right? one thing leads to another. why is it that looks count so much in this life?
looks.. sheesh. its great if u are born into this world looking like a million bucks. and yeah if u have the million bucks to change the way u look. i wasnt and am not able to. so im stuck in this body.. dont get me wrong. i love myself. but at time i just cant over the fact that i can be better.. thinner? oh well.. enough lamenting about me.. anyway i have this friend who is pretty.. great bod and stuff.. naturally guys are drawn to her like flies to a carcass..but hey.. my 2 friends got used by her.. oh well.. see how the testosterone can get u in trouble? haha but well i pity them for being so vulnerable cos of her.. i know exactly what they went through.. i have been through it.. one too many times.. it hurts.. made me feel like going les again but hey.. im happy on the fence
anyway.. a few days ago.. my two (good) friends msged me and told me that they were out with this guy ive been eyeing for some time.. they know about it.. ive talked to them about it.. and yet i ditn get why they would not include me in their outing.. it hurt.. cos i did ever ask one of them to get his number for me.. but she never replied.. she works at this place that he always frequents. i dotn think they know my bloggy but if they do.. i just wanna say.. shame on u.. guys come and go.. why must they come between friends like us? i do so hope u are not threatened by the fact that i did pretty ok for my a's.. cos thats not what friends are like.. u should have been happy for me.. but no.. u chose to avoid me.. fine.. im ok with that.. just dont get me involved anymore in ure petty quarrels. i love u guys.. but dont treat me this way. we've known each other too long for this to happen.. im sorry u feel that way.
this is really long.. i dont expect anybody to read this but hey if u did.. hmm.. well thanx.. its not everyday people get to see whats on my mind.. like some story from hans christensen.. the princess beheaded any courtier or prince asking for her hand, that couldnt guess whats on her mind. well im no princess.. and im certainly open to what i feel or say..i love strongly.. i hurt strongly.. and i get pissed all the time.. but hey.. everybody is like that.. im gonna name it the 'pissy hissy happy' syndrome.. remember.. u read it here first.. hahah what a weirdo..
good night
Bob Smurf at 10:53 PM