Monday, November 28, 2005
u cant fight fate
a dear friend said to me once.. u cant fight fate.. no matter what happens.. u cant. yet i have been learning from my experience in small time academia that we should not be fatalistic. and being fatalistic is a trait of pple who feel worthless and have no confidence to pave out what they want. but.. what if what u want is something that IS linked to fate? like matters of the heart or tragedies? <--(can be used interchangably of course.)but then again, why do they say it's 'matters of the heart' when clearly your heart has nothing to do with it? its clearly your mind that controls how you feel right? if not.. then would a peron who's had a heart transplant or had an artificial heart pumping inside him still love his loved ones? or love the previous heart owner's loved ones and/or remain cold like a machine? so thus i conclude it is the mind. (of course this is common sense). but why the heart? like u say.. i am so 'heart'-broken instead of saying im so 'mind'-broken.. weird isnt it? yet.. society's conventions are such that niceties are almost hallmark-like and hardly anybody stops to consider.
fate. why tempt fate when u can decide how u want to live ure life or die? if someone says he wants to commit suicide.. to end it all.. i say.. go ahead.. ure choice. it will sadden pple especially ure loved ones for a short period of time.. maybe 2 years.. if ure lucky maybe 3.. but then.. u will be forgotten. lost in the cobwebs of their minds. life goes on. as they always say. u cannot stay young forever. u will be able to move on from the one u love.in time. even though u think he is the one for you. the one u want to spend the rest of your life with.. the one u want to have kids with.. u will move on. God has made life so hard yet in time.. u will realise its true beauty. ure 'heart' will heal. and it will be so much faster if u are able to psycho yourself to forget and move on. it works. tried and tested. BUT!! u have to shut him off from ure life in all aspects. a long,slow and painful process.. but it should work.. i hope.
life. it goes on. yet my exam dates are slower then ever.. i wish i were on holiday now. i wish i were at the beaches now in my 2 piece.. sigh~ where looks dont matter and the sun is warm.. and the guys are hot. here.. hahah its hopeless. nobody wants me.. i dont think i want them anymore either. life goes on babe.. SurFs Up!
Bob Smurf at 12:27 AM
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Student exchange Programme
How fun! i just received a mail from the student exchange program and they say that applications are now open! *joy* but my exams are not over as yet and i have to wait till i get my results before i can apply.. it is until the 20th of december. hmm.. hopefully by then i can apply with good results.. *GrInz*i want to go to the US to study! but University of Columbia aint one of the partner universities.. what luck. neither is NYU! damn... why arent new york universities available? washington seattle looks ok but i dont know.. expenses are really wayyy up. and i dont know if my parents can afford it especially with my brother still in australia. but i think i may be able to take up a loan. which isnt so bad. i can repay it afterwards. InsyaAllah..
oh well.. i would have loved going to one of the European countries but frankly the Euros will be wayy too expensive la. much more so than US dollars? dont u think? hmm and the UK is a big NO NO! 3 times the money. haha though i must admit.. the place is beautiful.. and the guys are gorgeous with their accents.. sigh~.. but thats just wishful thinking. most of the guys arent that cute.. but still the accents are to die for. wahahaha
at the moment, im supposed to be studying my islam module..whilst trying at the same time to internalize my southeast asia and also trying to understand my theatre studies. how fun! *rolls eyes* what id give to just sit at my pc and play age of empires III..(somebody buy me the game!!) sigh~
u know.. if i shell out approximately 400 bucks.. i may be able to get for myself the xbox 360. sounds tempting doesnt it? hahaha yes it does. but then again... i want to change my phone.. save up for my backpacking trip and have some money to survive in Singapore.. hehehe what a life. thus means.. I NEED A JOB!!! lalala a high paying one that doesnt require any form of promiscuity.. hahaha maybe that doesnt matter either.. lalala (KIDDING!!)
yep ladies and gentlemen (who actually bother to read my blog) i am a woman in need of a tai tai lifestyle. wishful thinking once again. what id give for a billionare to pass me just a fraction of his savings.. i mean.. a million wont hurt him at all la. sigh~..
p/s: i have visions of a business venture..(ta-da! need for more money!!!) when i do get to start it ill inform ya ok? muackz!
ana
Bob Smurf at 4:50 PM
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
3 hours and a paper
OMG this christmas song is damn nice la.. of course its by smashing pumpkins! argh! u know the last album i have from smashing pumpkins is the melancholy(they spelt it nicer.. i just cant remember how its spelt) and the infinite sadness. oh yeah. had the greatest hits album too. anyway shan just said the song is called 'christmas time' sigh... nice song.. damn nice..oh well someone buy me a cd! any cd... high on the list would be james blunt! hmm then there's bon jovi.. and fall out boy!!
*birthday coming* (in case u dint get it.. this was a HUGE hint!)
ohh Shan just told a really evil joke! haha abt weddings abt how the normal ring wont fit the bride's finger.. so they had to use a bracelet instead! hahah how evil!
u know.. i had my sociology paper on saturday and before the paper.. there was this guy i have never seen around in my sociology lectures. so most probably he's from the engineering sociology lecture.yeah so anyway.. he was so cute! like well he wasnt like model drop dead gorgeous but he was decent looking with u know.. more than a little pleasant looking.. like.. good boy with a twinge of naughty! argh! love that look! and well maybe it was just me.. but he kept looking.. ok maybe i was just extra concious cos i was wearing my NEW DENIM SKIRT!!! hahah (yes.. excited) .. but yeah the first time i caught him looking at me.. it was like ok maybe he accidentally looked kinda thing.. then i looked away and when i looked back.. he was still looking.. and he knew i was looking at him looking at me.. he wasnt looking at my fat legs or anything but looking at me straight in the face kinda thing. with deep intense eyes.. *swoon* then well.. we had to go in the exam hall already.. damn! oh well.. i dont think ill ever see him again. sadly. but he was oh so nice looking.
appeal to the crowds: guy in orange t shirt and all the characteristics above.. do gimme a mail or a buzz.. or try and find me ok? cos i have this feeling ure either in science or in engine.. haha i think ure cute.
lalala.. anyway i think i screwed up my south asian paper.. felt like one of my southeast asia papers..during a levels.. dint study kinda types. oh well but i did but it was not enough. i hate this. grrr... shall do more for my other 3 papers especially for theatre.. cos i think my prac was really screwed up. wish me luck ya'll!
haiz... friendships.. u cant live with them.. u cant live without them. why must things be so complicated. just when i think its over.. its not. when i was msged after a few days of silence.. i could literally feel my badly bandaged heart start to bleed again. errr... maybe im being too dramatic.. lalala.. was that night really special? maybe.. if that person was someone u love. im moving on. im afraid of losing that friendship. but is it really worth my heart? can i really move on without first dying from heartache? i dunno and im afraid to try. will my friends stand behind my decision even if they know its a bad one? u tell me.
Bob Smurf at 12:47 AM
Saturday, November 19, 2005
selamat pertunangan!!
This post is dedicated to my cousin, Caled or Cal as call him and his fiancee Maizurah who are getting engaged today! 19th Nov 2005!ok well i dont have a pic of them in their nice clothes and stuff as yet but hahah i tink and hope this will do.. haha (pilfered from cal's friendster.. wahaha)
May u guys be happy together like forever and ever.. haha ..
~sigh~ so fast la.. cal used to be the bane of my existence within the ages 3-10.. haha yes.. we ALWAYS fought.. and its the tair hair out cry cry type of fight.. haha and id be the one telling on him to his dad.. so evil of me..hehe. but yeah this guy is 3 yrs older than me and well.. after growing up we never really talked so.. hahah well.. once again.. ALL THE BEST!!!
Bob Smurf at 4:57 PM
Thursday, November 17, 2005
animal instinct
Hello!!im just soooo relieved the whole shit bag drama is OVER! he's outta my life forever and ever!! hahah ok nvm.. shall not devote anymore precious space here talking abt ..him.
how is my life so far? its been pretty stressful really..i just cant concentrate with worried and stresed pple breathing down my neck. gone are the days when my life was so simple and slack...and the only worrisome person i kept away from.. now like no choice...sadness
hmm..
i just finished my sex and gender topic which is very very highly informative. like how there are transvestite saints like the sworn virgins of the balkans.. soo cool. they actually lived like males from young.. and basically BE males.. until they die.. where they HAVE to be buried as females.. but in male clothing. its really fascinating how in th course of their lives.. they are soo male that even women are attracted to them. for eg, one became an abbot of a monastary and a rich lady was attarcted to her and when the rich lady was rejected, the abbot was accused of raping the lady and only then was the abbot's true sex revealed. how fascinating... hahaha
hmm..oh.. and this video is a blink 182 vid named i miss you... no.. i dont miss anybody.. but i miss time periods.. like i miss certain parts of my tk life..and my whole MJ experience.sigh...so sad..but no matter what.. i wouldnt wanna go thru the whole A level experience.. its pure torture!~ but other than that.. life was good.. and the guys were great and the teachers were fantastic.
but life goes on
hmm..hahah was talking to Fauzan just now and he said that i should get more guy friends. hahah 'how abt NUS guys?' he asks and i realize the only guy i talk to in school is dear amin.. i wonder why?? oh well.. its only first year first sem.. lalala have many many more to go. eh.. why am i yakking on and on about guys? sheesh..
anyway... i am in love.... with my sister's IPOD mini... sheesh.. its sooo cool. its my favourite colour too! LIME GREEN!! hahah
okla.. need to answer natures call. bladder damn full.. had like loads of water.. lalalal weee~
muackz
Bob Smurf at 1:39 AM
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
i had a fun time today.. thanx guys.. haha i know i got really crappy towards the end.. haha was too high oh coffee. oohh and the counter guy WAS SOO HOT!! haha i know i know.. im supposed to be studying.. hahah (sorry yasmin).. but no worries.. i celebrated cos the theatre practical today was supposedly good cos i got an appreciative laugh and.. haha no questions asked.. (GOOD ON US!! yeay!) and.. haha some people got what they deserved.. but thats mean.. he had had a lot to do.. and we weren't particularly very cooperative. haha.. but im glad its over guys.. HugZ!!HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZATTY!!! yeay.. finally 19.. hahah (GOH BEE YUNG!) hahaha sorry after efects of coffee. lalala
well.. friends really are special. i dont like throwing away friends.. never have unless ive lost contact.. but never due to a fight or a misunderstanding. its just me i guess but my heart just cant take it.. ill either apologise or.. if the other party doesnt want to.. ill carry as usual. no biggie. life goes on. we're all mature adults.
it seems very silly to have something so small being blown up. i like being ure friend. having all sorts of friends toughens you up.. and of course u can get diferent perspectives on everything.. its very cool. so even though you hurt me dear friend.. i am a forgiver and a forgetter. but i will respect the space u wish to have .
you once told me.. i know im not supposed to contact you. but if you do need someone. call me. good terms or not. ill always be your friend.(even though many people would think im crazy to do so but i dont really care)..i will never forget that uve helped me a lot since ive known you.. think about that. in life.. true friendships are more impt than silly relationships..to me anyway.. cos right now.. i dont think im ready for one. not matter how much i TELL myself i am. i have not adjusted to uni life. so having a r'ship would kill me.
oh well.. maybe a break would do us some good. we've probably had too much of each other. do what you will ok.. as long as your life is prioritised.
good luck in your life. i miss you too.
im preparing my battle armour against the attacking exams. come the 30th and ill be free..half the battle won! join me in this battle.. for we will prevail! believe in God and believe in yourselves.. WE WILL PREVAIL!!!!
Bob Smurf at 12:03 AM
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Lies & More Lies
How is it that my radar for 'creepazoids' is always accurate except for maybe one or two times? it especially sucks when that creepazoid is your close friend. i feel betrayed.. and hurt and especially well.. sad. but it cant be helped. one's stripes can only be seen when he or she wishes it to right? thats what i think anyway.its pretty crazy really. can u believe i actually fell for it? i hate being used. not many people know why but its very sickening when someone who does, does it to me. this is not a confrontation.. nor is it because u think im jealous. im actually very happy for you because you obviously deserve her. but does she deserve you? hahah ok that was mean. but u hurting me was meaner.
correct me if im wrong but... u knew i liked you. and u still carried on with your stories abt ure 'dates' and ure 'potentials' like as though im someone who doesnt have feelings. well ure wrong.. the way i see it, ure the one without. and yeah well.. it also made me realise something when u said that u 'realised' u dont like malay girls. ok well.. hmm.. gd for .. all the malay girls?? i should think so.
so... the way i see it.. when u got angry at me for asking if u had not gotten over someone (who is now currently ure girlfriend).. that was pretty unfair wasnt it? and
im the one who had to apologise for bringing the matter up? right....
well.. what i really wanna know is.. why are you doing all this? Mogi thinks it could be because i may have hurt u in the past or something. i thought about it.. and i dont recall anything. everyone ive talked to thinks ure scum and its slowly dawning on me that ure using me too. (i know its very late of me to know this but at least now i see the light).
what hurt the most is that i trusted you. u knew what i hated and yet.. u did exactly the same thing. there are many aspects of being used. not just the other night. but all the while.. when things dint work out between u and some girl ud come running back to me. now that ure finally with ure future wife... i dont think i exist for you anymore. no blimp on the radar at all. ok fine. im fine with that.
many people tell me to forget abt you. i intend to do so.. really i do. but i dont think i will. i wont because it sickens me to think that pple out there are still deceived by u. and i want to make sure u dont hurt somebody as deeply as u have hurt me. it really hurts but this time im not gonna be the one apologising. i dont care about ure ego. i have my own life.. and please tell ure FAIRY that i agree some friendships are not meant to be let go. but please also enlighten her.. before she thinks im mad that some pple respect their friends and at least has an ounce of care for the friend. i guess u dont fit the bill as a friend.. cos u obviously dont respect me nor do you care abt me.
its sad. i really liked u. i would have done anything for u. but its a good thing we didnt work out. because... on my rib there lies someone else's name.
p/s: thanx to all who listened and gave me advice. thanx to all who were there thru my tough times.. when some pple just dismissed me by saying that 'i think too much'. i love u guys... muackz... lets put an end to this shit alright? haha
Ana
Bob Smurf at 2:01 AM
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Change soundtrack
this is soooo cool.. Thanx mogi.. the videos are nice..anyway i chose this video called 'prayer' by disturbed cos..
the singer has a damn nice voice.. should listen to songs like 'stupify' and 'down with the sickness'too.
also.. the video is damn cool.. love the chorus lalala..
hahah yes.. i love the music too.. haha
Bob Smurf at 2:47 AM
Thursday, November 10, 2005
you & me
once was so sweetbut now is lost
never again to retain those memories
together in time feeling the days
an open avenue to the soul
happiness loaded to the brim
loaded friends with loaded guns
directed at my head
youth lost in motion
seeing the world change for worse
where is the motive?
we care in vain.
some pics i had in my handphone.
i would say this isnt me but it is.. on happier days
ahh.. in the dressing room after performance day.. how i miss those days
blissful till we tried.Bob Smurf at 10:17 AM
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
10 things i hate about youI hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick.
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate it...
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh;
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call,
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you;
Not even close;
Not even a little bit;
Not even at all.
Animal Instinct
Suddenly something has happened to me
As I was having my cup of tea
Suddenly I was feeling depressed
I was utterly and totally stressed
Do you know you made me cry
Do you know you made me die
And the thing that gets to me
Is you'll never really see
And the thing that freaks me out
Is I'll always be in doubt
It is a lovely thing that we have
It is a lovely thing that we
It is a lovely thing, the animal
The animal instinct
So take my hands and come with me
We will change reality
So take my hands and we will pray
They won't take you away
They will never make me cry, no
They will never make me die
And the thing that gets to me
Is you'll never really see
And the thing that freaks me out
Is I'll always be in doubt
The animal, the animal, the animal instinct in me
It's the animal, the animal, the animal instinct in me
It's the animal, it's the animal, it's the animal instinct in me
Bob Smurf at 12:20 AM
Sunday, November 06, 2005
lovely moments
hello!this morning between the time of 2-4 am was real special. it was highly confusing.. but real special. i dont know what it meant.. if we're more than where we are now or it was a passing thing with my lip gloss. im suspecting its the lip gloss. thanx for that. it was special and awfully naughty but haha it was fun. oh... i have a blue black and a scratch on my arm where u very painfully bit me! and its gonna be gone in less than 2 weeks!! haha no worries ill get back at u.. just u wait. and also.. thanx for the driving lesson.. heheh
oh well raya has been kind to me i guess.. especially in money.. hahah but no worries.. im still gonna be kinda/sorta poor cos i need the money for my aussie trip...
haha the shopping will only come later... lalala..yeay-ness!
oh.. a 'friend' who i used to be intimate with... just REALLY REALLY f***ing pissed me off on msn. i was telling the person about something and the person immediately assumed that i did something. what the hell!!??? does the person think i have no morals? NB to person: frankly.. ure 'i respect u' shit doesnt work anymore.. maybe fr ure present girlfrind but not me.. i mean hey.. should have respected me when u two timed me when i was in Morroco.. i dont consider the two weeks to be anything..they dont mean shit to me.
on a happier note... (maybe not so happy).. exams are coming starting from the 15th to the 30th..and i have to be a tranny for my exam theatre practical. oh well. hahah highly amusing. shall tell u the developments when i get the time. muackz... love ya!
Bob Smurf at 11:55 PM
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Selamat Hari Raya!!
HEy All!SELAMAT HARI RAYA!!! EID MUBARAK!!! YEAY!!!
ok well.. i just spent the whole day washing dishes.. and re-filling drinks.. how immensely iritating. hahah oh well.. im dead tired too cos i slept at 5 yesterday.. and.. haha only managed to drag myself out of bed by abt 9.. i know.. very late.. my mom called like 9 times.. or probably more.. haha.. oh well..
so far i have collected a good sum of money.. which ALL goes into my aussie trip fund.. shall not shop in Sg so that i can splurge in aussie.. gimme gimme.. haha oh well.. wish i could have more money though.. but .. oh well.. im not a working person.. lalala
hmm.. i feel kinda sick right now. too much food? maybe.. i never know.. hahai mean i think my body has gone into some shock or something.. i mean.. we spent almost 30 days abstaining from too much food.. and here on raya day.. we eat like there's no tomorrow. actually i didnt.. im too tired to eat dinner.. also cos im so full.. i ate in the morning.. had briyani.. as always.. then had a little bit more briyani at my aunts place then thats it.. drank mostly..
oh well..im pretty thirsty right now.. need my ZZzz... hahah but probably later..
missing you though.. hahah all is forgiven right? until that day then yeah?
Bob Smurf at 7:18 PM