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Saturday, March 11, 2006

lala land and the cows of tomorrow

seeing her with someone else today was quite a shocker to my system that she'd moved on so fast..i mean what went thru my mind when she arrived with her new bf was that someone i know did a stupid thing letting her go. i mean thats my thinking anyway.. he might just retort and tell me that it doesnt really bother him anymore. oh well.. on one hand im glad she's found another happy relationship.. but on the other.. i feel that that someone made a grave mistake in letting her go..but then... ah never mind la.. what's past is past..


one thing good is.. she's still my friend..i hope..


im still in a state of depression.. i have no freaking idea why.. this is very depressing. i need some excitement in my life.. i want to go to spain and portugal with my parents.. but they cant afford to take me with them.. i feel like crying... im sleepy.. maybe i should just sleep..i have a performance tmr i school.. and NONE of my friends can make it.. not even my family wants to come by.. (even more depressing right?) sometimes i feel this certain friend of mine is just using me.. not really a friend.. but a user.. when that person feels im pulling away.. that person will call and get my attention again.. but when im finally paying attention that person conveniently ignores me. righto friendo.. u-o sucko!

i lead such an unfulfilled life. why? i feel unsatisfied with anything i do.. maybe turning to God will give me the answer.. i dont know.. maybe.. ive been soo caught up with this life i keep forgetting the other. i am an empty vessel that yearns to die off.. like a flickering candle light at the end of its wick. i want to be a glamourous rockstar yet life and looks do not permit. i want to have it all yet i am holding myself back. conciously keeping myself abrest from what i yearn to have. i want it all..i want it all.. i just want you.

money is the root of all evil.. it is also the root of all evil. i want a freaking job... yet i dont have the time to get one. i am useless. i hate myself.. have i told u that? give me a reason to keep on living. i am depressed. i am fucking depressed. who is this person that has 2 lives? the one on the outside and the one within? i try to show my inside feelings on the outside but pple have grown so accustomed to the 'outside' me that they dont feel comfortable being around me as 'me'. i dont think anybody understands me. i dont want to get older.. things get harder when i do.. i want to be in my room.. help my parents out with anything they want.. i hate to see them sad.. i hate to see myself sad. but then.. who really cares abt me right? break a leg for tmr!

Bob Smurf at 1:09 AM