Monday, September 04, 2006
when it all falls apart
show days are over.. and i feel the loss.. no more practices late into the night.. no more funny guys to make strange noises.. no more bruised knees.. no more.. akulturasi.
the bitching sessions.. the bitches themselves.. the politics.. it either makes or breaks u. where friendships are made.. and present friendships are deepened. i had such a great time.. even with all the criticisms and scoldings.. it was fun whilst it lasted. and now that it is over.. i cant get over it.. still cant believe its over.. both glad and sad its over..
tmr is a new day.. where school really starts for me.. have to really concentrate on my tutorials and tests and lectures.. i mean.. it aint all just fun and laughter right?
im missing somebody.. i dont know if its just cos of the whole thing that is overwhelmingly over.. or that the person really left an imprint of himself with me. it touched me to see him cry. but then again.. it could just be that im seeking a substitute for my hurt self.. a few days ago.. i found out the guy who wants to spend 'precious' moments with me.. was just toying with my feelings.. and he never really meant whatever he did or said. it just aint right to treat me that way.. but i long to be with someone who wants to get serious with me.. i want the magic of being in love.. of going out on dinner dates.. that hot rush to the face when he holds ure hand for the first time. the compliments.. the works.. which is why.. sometimes i am jealous of my cousin.. who is blissfully in love.. i want that too.i want to feel that kind of love again. but the guy im longing for right now.. he likes somebody else..he speaks very little.. and he may be very possessive.. but overall.. he exudes "man".. i like. but i dont think ill ever see him again. its sad.. why do i always for the guys i can NEVER get? or will NEVER see again? its just me maybe..am i not pretty enough for the guys in this community?? do i have to travel across the continent to find someone who appreciates me for who i am and not my body?
as kiddish as this may sound.. i am looking for someone who cares and loves me.. a relationship that will keep me satisfied and not yearn for more.
ah well.. i hope for the best.. but it aint gonna do any good just wishing and hoping.. or praying to God that ill suddenly be as gorgeous as shaf, as thin as nuha or as smart as geet.. oh well.. ill have to accept that this is how i am.
its just so hard...
Bob Smurf at 1:39 AM