Saturday, February 24, 2007
this nagging feeling...
sometimes i wonder if its all for real.
if all it takes are a few choice words to comfort and heal.
sometimes i wonder if they care at all.
if they meant what they said,not at all, not at all.
"ill always be there" and "u know i care"
weapons used to appease and dare.
those simple 3 words including an 'I' and a "U"
a nuclear pretence that shatters big walls blue.
i cant believe i gave my trust to you
when all along u never trusted me true
when all along u were the plastic ear that listens but never hears
stringing promises u made but kept to someone else dear.
Love, u call it.. Angst i say
u fall to pieces with every word he says
u fall to pieces with every touch and racy kiss he gives
u forget... once u were in my shoes, size 8, and lived.
and you.. i never knew.. i can never lay blame
sometimes superficiality is all a game.
but u have ure friends.. and i have mine..
yet sometimes i feel u are the best of times
so let me say once again what i feel deep within
this nagging feeling, this thing.. this thing
it grows in the depths like a worthless tumor
it sows hate and rage and nothing of humour
i feel it consuming me and me most
will i soon be of nothing but ghost?
a zombie-fied monster with nothing but hate
a girl lost in dreams and perfection and a wedding cake?
the irony.. i know.. of such plastic ideals
but who knows.. one day.. this heart may heal.
Bob Smurf at 12:08 AM
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
CNY holz
im burnt.. i dunno why.. but i am.. and all i did was to spend the day at the beach (trying to) study.. it was nice.. ive wanted to go on a picnic for ages..and finally.. it happened. im sooo sated. i think. hahaha but a little unsettled cos my works' not done.. lalala..
oohh.. me, emz, and sharif bought tix to watch phantom of the opera!! like yeayy!!! hahah we all blew $122 on it of course.. but like my sister says.. its something ive ALWAYS wanted to watch.. the other one will be cats.. and of course les miserables.. but i think they no longer run the show.. maybe broadway might have it.. i dunno.. maybe. but.. whne am i gonna go broadway right? haha but all the same.. I HAVE TIX TO SEE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!!! yeayness!
hmm.. i wish emma all the best with her short story.. i love it! i seriously do.. like my namesake like that.. hahahah.. and well basically.. all the best in everything emz! muackz. (hope she reads this before she has to hand it in..) =)
i think that i am happy.. like.. happy happy.. u know.. cos last time.. when i say i want a bf.. i meant it.. like *sigh* manner.. but now.. when i do. its like.. force of habit. and hahaha i realize when im happy.. i flirt like crazy. hahaha but then again.. its just me.. hahah no harm done.
whats so special abt this happy? i ahve no idea.. its like.. i have a secret.. and i aint telling... and i feel good cos i know something u dont kinda thing.. but of course.. those of u who talk to me know why la right? hahaha ;)
im gonna call my source of happiness in a bit. its sooo immature and childish la.. but thats what makes it special.. a feeling of being loved back. sighh*..
p/s: shaf.. no more oh-pocots ok? hahahahahahahahahah (evil laffter)
Bob Smurf at 1:11 AM
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
valentine's day lament..
Dear readers,
its valentine's day today.. though im not really supposed to celebrate it..(something abt it being against the religion).. but i feel.. ive never really celebrated it at all.. let alone before. and thus.. because of this,its just like any other day for me where as sharif says.. the prices of roses increase like vines.. and chocolates are actually worth [as much as] gold.. but.. not that im bitter or anything, im just single.
i toast to love of course.. pple in love and in relationships.. its wonderful. but being single when everybody else around u everywhere [especially so city hall] is one half of a couple. holding hands, gazing into each others' eyes, making out behind pillars that they think are inconspicuous but are in full view for the other public transport users. its amazing. how some pple are so in love.. they are oblivious.
so what does this day mean to me? well.. its the day after my cousin's birthday.. and the day before my mom's. and today of course a couple of friends celebrate their birthdays with the rest of the lovebirds in town. it is.. as said.. another day for me. but.. today i met up with emma, mogi and eugene.. we had dinner.. talked about the realities of life.. and later went home. short and sweet..of course it was.. tmr is a school day. bleargh~ actually.. i have nothing to write abt...i reminisce about guys i have dated.. guys who have been foolish enough to want to date me.. and the guys who left me. life's lessons learnt from heartbreak and of course.. experience.
someone i know was recently in a break up. a horrible one. but im glad cos the other party was horrible. screechingly horrible wanna pull hair out kind of horrible. like.. *stab stab* horrible.. u get what i mean. just plain WRONG! so.. me and the rest of the world heaved a sigh of relief when the idiot party decided to do the right thing for once; break up. and me being me.. i was optimistic. however.. a change can only come if the party is willing right? its sad but that person i know.. is still not over it. keeps blaming the self for the break up. and i think.. secretly hopes they will get back together.. damn it.. its never going to work.. the idiot party has left the building forever.. arm in arm with a bronzed statue piece that can be shelved. well.. i hope u know im talking abt u (if u are reading this) and i dont want u to be stupid enough to blame ureself and not be open to other options in your life. it is not the end of the world..and it is most definitely NOT ure fault. in retrospect, i figure the idiot party just wanted u for mere amusement, sex and of course.. a dinner partner.. oh wait.. a supper partner.. dont be stupid.. no matter how jaded u feel.. ure not as old as u think u are.
its because of these stupid things that i feel relationships should not be gotten at such a young age. for myself anyway.. im already getting pressured to find a good rich muslim man to support me.. hmm.. right. get married at 22? forget it. i havent met anybody worthy enough to marry me. i know i sound a trifle feminist.. but.. i think.. 'the one' has to be 'the best' for me at this stage.. and no matter what u set ure standards out for.. i think in the end.. 'the best' could be the one who best keeps u interested. im looking for that.
i know i set my own requirements ie. long limbs and a nose bridge high enough to overcome my lack of, so that our kids wont have to suffer my short limbs and flat features. but in the end.. i will still have to find love.. to date.. i havent found it yet.. lust is so thick everywhere.. its hard to source out love. but.. maybe there is hope.
adios amigos!
from here i bid u farewell.. till a later date.
ana
Bob Smurf at 9:59 PM