Monday, April 09, 2007
achievements and the achieved
What have i achieved so far? hmm.. i know i should be thankful for being where i am right now.. but i sometimes cant help feeling that i can achieve more.. but lack the capacity to.. why am i such a slacker? i mean seriously? i have a 4 day holiday and i only spend the last day mugging and doing my presentation.. then i complain i dont have the marks i deserve.. rightt..
ive had pretty freaky dreams the past few nights.. from having to redo my terrible video project.. (basically i spent a couple of sleepless nights just having to save the bloody thing!) to having the bf of my dreams and seeing him cheat on me with another girl.. i guess its stress..
wish i could have a bf.. i have high standards.. yet i myself am not that high standard quality type.. u know what i mean.. the thin, pretty and smart package.. yeah well.. i get it left right and centre about how i should lose weight.. yeah dammit.. i know! its just so freakin hard la.. not when my ideal weight for my height is 30kgs away! fuck it la.. sometimes i really really feel like cutting myself up.. just so that i dont have tohave these trunks for thighs and calves..
cut up the extra flab on my arms.. tummy and butt.. cut myself up.. just to be smaller.. skin will heal... in time. (thanx for the idea emz.. hehee)
i cant afford liposuction.. im afraid to take pills.. (cant afford them) and my mom keeps telling me to eat lesser than i already do.. face it pple.. im fat.. and im miserable abt it.. so shut up and leave me in peace ok? dammit
doesnt help that my grandma and bro kep telling me i wont get a bf if im this fat.. which is true.. what good is a fat girl like me who is pseudo-prude? doesnt help that pple find me a bit of a snob.. ignorant bastards.. if only they knew me..ill prove how much of a snobbish bitch i can be.
on a lighter note..
i did it..
i finally did what i had wanted to do for a while now.. it felt good.
i was reluctant at first.. scared even.. but now.. i dunno.. feels pretty good to have done it. despite pple telling me i shouldnt..
despite me having to keep it a secret.. but those whowant to know..will know..soon enough.
also.. school is ending.. and exams are coming.. im kinda dreading it.. but i feel i should start now.. before its too late to mugg.. as usual for me la
also.. cant wait to go aussie.. (where i can gain more weight! sheesh..) but meeting pple i love.. friends i miss.. and places i should have been at.
why must it be that when it comes to me.. there's no money.. something must always always come up...
why? what did i ever do to deserve the stupid life of having to stay in sg whilst my siblings and cousins enjoy the overseas study life.. SG is stupid.. the method of studying here is stupid.. the bell curve?? thats just fucking stupid. some students MUST be at the bottom.. fucking crap.
maybe ill see him again. him thats cute.. him thats single.. him thats smartass... him that i used to date... maybe ill see him again. maybe.. maybe.. then he can talk to me... and maybe ill respond.. (dream on ana.... cute smart single guys like him are sooo hot property in the market.. no chance for u la..)
oh well.. i can dream abt him again.. hopefully this time he doesnt cheat on me. wahahaha.. what rotten luck.. even in my dreams.. oh wellz. if someone can come up with a solution to make me lose 30++ kg in a few months pls do tell me.. if not.. i might lose my mind and cut myself up.. literally..i want it all off.. its horrible.. i look horrible dammit.. my clothes dont fit.. im disgusting. eegh!
Bob Smurf at 12:43 AM